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Limericks

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Coming up, it's Lightning Fill In The Blank. But first, it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924 or click the Contact Us link on our website, waitwait.npr.org. There, you can find out about attending our weekly live shows here at the Chase Bank Auditorium in Chicago and our first ever show in Buffalo, N.Y., on April 30 at Shea's Performing Arts Center. And if you want more WAIT WAIT in your week, check out the WAIT WAIT quiz for your smart speaker. It's out every Wednesday with me and Bill asking you questions all in the comfort of your home or wherever you have your smart speaker. It's just like this radio show, only now you have to work for it.

Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

COURTNEY RAY: Hi, this is Courtney Ray calling from Berkeley, Calif.

SAGAL: Oh, how are things in beautiful Berkeley?

RAY: Nice and sunny.

SAGAL: I'm glad to hear it. Do you - are you at the university there?

RAY: I am, yeah.

SAGAL: Oh, what do you do there?

RAY: I study how plants interact.

SAGAL: Don't they just sort of sit there and look at each other?

(LAUGHTER)

RAY: Sometimes, they can be competitive. And, sometimes, they can help each other out.

SAGAL: How do plants compete?

RAY: They might take up all their resources or shade each other out or just not let seeds germinate.

LUKE BURBANK: Would you consider naming the most competitive plant the Roxanne Roberts?

(LAUGHTER)

RAY: I want to.

SAGAL: You should. Well, Courtney, welcome to the show. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly in two of the limericks, you'll be a winner. You ready to go?

RAY: Yeah.

SAGAL: All right. Here is your first limerick.

BILL KURTIS: As goalie, I'm not a sham phony. That ice-cleaning truck there can't own me. The rink looked OK, so I went in to play. Though, most days, I drive the...

RAY: Zamboni.

SAGAL: Zamboni, yes.

KURTIS: You are right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: When both goalies for the Carolina Hurricanes hockey team were injured this week right before a game, somebody yelled, is there a doctor in the house? And when nobody said anything, they yelled, OK, is there another goalie in the house? And the Zamboni driver said, right here. He threw on a jersey with his name glued on the back, got out there and ended up winning the game for the Hurricanes. Of course he did well, though. Have you ever tried to shoot a hockey puck through a Zamboni machine?

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: Shouldn't have even been legal.

SAGAL: Really?

BURBANK: I heard...

JOEL KIM BOOSTER: There's nothing in the rulebook that says a Zamboni can't play hockey.

SAGAL: So, anyway, for his efforts, David Ayres got $500, his game-worn shirt and a severe concussion he'll treasure for the rest of his days.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Here's your next limerick.

KURTIS: With no Bumgarner name, they won't know me, no. And this wide brim won't let my face show below. When I don't have to pitch, for calf-roping, I itch. In my spare time, I ride in a...

RAY: Rodeo?

SAGAL: Yes, rodeo. Very good.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: All-star pitcher Madison Bumgarner got in some trouble this week when The Athletic reported that he moonlighted as a professional rodeo cattle-roper under the name Mason Saunders. Now, professional baseball players are not allowed to do anything even remotely dangerous. Even using a remote is too much. But Bumgarner says the rodeo was necessary preparation for when he needs to lasso all the Astros hitters and then drive them to the slaughterhouse.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: He made $26,000, Madison Bumgarner did, riding rodeo...

SAGAL: Yes.

BURBANK: ...Under an assumed name.

SAGAL: It's crazy.

BURBANK: He's the Madison Bumgarner of rodeo.

BOOSTER: What was the name that he used?

SAGAL: He used the name Mason Saunders.

BOOSTER: Wow, it's shocking he found an even gayer porn-sounding name to do the rodeo under.

(LAUGHTER)

ROXANNE ROBERTS: I suppose if he had a cowboy hat on and people occasionally might say, you know, you look like that pitcher guy...

BOOSTER: Gay porn star, yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

ROBERTS: And he would say, yeah, I get that a lot.

SAGAL: Well, there's no word yet on if he will receive any disciplinary action. However, when asked for a comment, professional skydiver Badison Gumbarner (ph) said, that guy seems like a really cool dude, and he shouldn't get in trouble.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Here is your last limerick, Courtney.

KURTIS: For McDonald's, I burn with hot fervor. Six candles make one divine merger. Some pickles, some cheese and extra beef, please. Together, they smell like one...

RAY: Burger?

SAGAL: Burger, yes. Very good.

RAY: OK.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Move over, Yankee Candles. There's a new bad smell in town. McDonald's has released a set of six candles that, when burned together, smell like a Quarter Pounder with cheese that is on fire.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It's a great way to cover up a fart. You just make your house smell like six farts.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: You know where they could use those candles? The McDonald's bathroom.

SAGAL: It's true.

BURBANK: Not great.

SAGAL: Each candle in the set emits a different scent of the Quarter Pounder - beef, bun, cheese, pickle, trans fat, acid reflux.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Onion is one of the isolated scents in the set. So when used alone, it's a great way to set the mood if the mood is no-sex-tonight. Bill, how did Courtney do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Courtney, we thought nobody was going to get these three. But with your soft little voice, you nailed every one.

SAGAL: Congratulations, Courtney. Well done. Thank you so much for playing.

RAY: Thank you.

SAGAL: Bye-bye.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC) Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.