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Limericks

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Coming up, it's Lightning Fill In The Blank. But first, it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT - that's 1-888-924-8924. Or click the Contact Us link on our website. That's waitwait.npr.org. And if you want more WAIT WAIT in your week, check out the Wait Wait Quiz for your smart speaker. It's out every Wednesday with me and Bill asking you questions all in the comfort of your home, the place that you can never leave.

Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

INGRID ABRAHAMSON: Hi there, friends from the radio. This is Ingrid from Asheville, N.C.

SAGAL: Hello, friend from Asheville. I happen to love Asheville. What do you do there?

ABRAHAMSON: I am an emergency room physician assistant.

SAGAL: Oh, my goodness.

BILL KURTIS: Wow.

JOSH GONDELMAN: Wow.

HELEN HONG: Wow. You're busy.

SAGAL: Yeah. So what have you been up to lately?

ABRAHAMSON: Well, I had to move out of the main part of my house to the basement. But the biggest downside is I just bought a new bidet, and it only fits on the upstairs toilet, so it doesn't fit my new spot.

SAGAL: Who lives upstairs that you don't get to see? You mentioned the bidet...

ABRAHAMSON: Oh...

SAGAL: But are there people you'd also like to see?

ABRAHAMSON: Yeah, yeah - my husband, my two dogs.

SAGAL: Right. But it's mainly the bidet you're missing.

(LAUGHTER)

ABRAHAMSON: Absolutely. It had all these...

SAGAL: Ah.

ABRAHAMSON: ...Features.

HONG: Oh, man.

GONDELMAN: Now the dogs are using it all day.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, Ingrid, welcome to the show. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly in two of the limericks, you'll be a winner. You ready to play?

ABRAHAMSON: Absolutely.

SAGAL: Here is your first limerick.

KURTIS: New Zealand is keeping their youth airy, for some of them might find the truth scary. Trading cuspids for money's essential work, honey. Don't worry, we still have the...

ABRAHAMSON: Tooth fairy.

SAGAL: Yes.

KURTIS: You got that.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Very, very good.

HONG: Wow.

KURTIS: Very smart. Good for you.

SAGAL: During a speech this week, the prime minister of New Zealand assured the public there that the Easter Bunny and tooth fairy are essential workers, and they would be allowed to continue to work during these trying times. Special precautions will be taken during home visits. The Easter bunny will use paw sanitizer. The tooth fairy will wear a mask and gloves while she checks inside sleeping children's mouths. Visits from the Easter pandas, though, are on hold until they stop doing it.

(LAUGHTER)

GONDELMAN: We don't even have enough, like, actual medical equipment, and they're very bringing on the tooth fairy still.

(LAUGHTER)

GONDELMAN: Bernie, come back, I guess.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right. Here is your next limerick.

KURTIS: A deposit most people recoil at is quite right for this seat, so don't spoil it. While it rests 'ere I flush, to the doc I won't rush 'cause I got diagnosed by my...

ABRAHAMSON: Toilet.

KURTIS: Yes.

SAGAL: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: And I know this is bittersweet because it might be putting you out of a job.

ABRAHAMSON: (Laughter).

SAGAL: Scientists at Stanford have developed a new smart toilet that uses sensors to monitor your health and provide early warning of potential diseases using what you put into the toilet. It sounds great, but how does the toilet know it's you who are depositing a sample rather than a family member or anybody else? Well, allow me to read from the press release. Quote, "To fully reap the benefits of the smart toilet, users must make their peace with a camera that scans their anus."

(SOUNDBITE OF BOOING SOUND EFFECT)

HONG: No. No.

SAGAL: Yes, Helen.

HONG: No.

SAGAL: Yes.

HONG: No.

SAGAL: This is the price of progress...

HONG: (Laughter).

SAGAL: ...Because it turns out - you know how everybody's fingerprints are unique?

HONG: Yes.

SAGAL: Turns out that is also true of other parts of your body. They're...

HONG: No way.

SAGAL: That's how the toilet tells whose data it is registering.

GONDELMAN: I tried one of those diagnosing toilets, and they told me that I'd been dead for hours and that I'm a goldfish, so I don't know.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: Wow. And I thought the future was going to have flying cars.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Yeah. Wouldn't that be a great episode of "The Jetsons?"

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right. Here is your last limerick.

KURTIS: By my flock, I've been left in the lurch. For new pews, I have put out a search. So we meet on the street spaced apart at 6 feet. We shall meet in my new drive-in...

ABRAHAMSON: Church.

SAGAL: Yes, church.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Just when you thought this whole self-isolation thing would get you out of church, drive-in church is here. It's a great way to get your family out of the house. Come on, kids. We're getting in the car. Oh, are we going to the mall or a restaurant? No. We're going to sit in the car in a giant parking lot and listen to a sermon. It's the church's way, of course, to get around social distancing restrictions for Easter. And it'll feel just like seeing a drive-in movie except this time, if you go to second base with your high school sweetheart, you go to hell.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: Wait, so...

TOM BODETT: I saw a picture this week. They'd set up a - like, a plastic garden shed in front of a church in New York so that people could give confession. The priest was in the garden shed, and people would come kneel next to it. And I just thought that - I grew up Catholic. That would've made it so much more interesting.

SAGAL: I'm worrying, though, Tom, about a confession booth in which you have to shout across a distance of six feet.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: (Shouting) I fooled around with Mark (ph) in accounting.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Your wife's the next in line. Like, no...

BODETT: Sorry, father. I lied five times. And your wife's out on the parking lot - seven.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Ingrid do on our quiz?

KURTIS: It was a big win for Ingrid, 3 and 0.

SAGAL: Congratulations, Ingrid.

ABRAHAMSON: Thank you all so much.

SAGAL: Thank you, Ingrid. Take care, and thank you for the work you do. I hope you get to go upstairs and use that toilet really soon.

ABRAHAMSON: (Laughter) Thanks, guys.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "GET ME TO THE CHURCH ON TIME")

NAT KING COLE: (Singing) Ding dong, the bells are gonna chime. Kick up a rumpus, but don't lose the compass. to get me to church, get me to church, be sure and get me to the church on time. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.