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Limericks

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Coming up, it's Lightning Fill In The Blank, but first, it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Or you can always click the Contact Us link on our website waitwait.npr.org. And if you want more WAIT WAIT in your week, you can check the WAIT WAIT quiz for your smart speaker. It's out every Wednesday. Has me and Bill asking you questions all in the comfort of your home. And where else you're going to be? It's just like our show only now we're calling from inside the house.

Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

JONATHAN ZAMKOFF: Hi, how are you?

SAGAL: I'm fine. Who's this?

ZAMKOFF: My name is Jonathan Zamkoff.

SAGAL: Hey, where you calling from, Jonathan?

ZAMKOFF: Beautiful Austin, Texas.

SAGAL: I'm glad to hear it. Austin, of course, is one of my favorite places. What do you do there?

ZAMKOFF: I am the head of business development at a video game studio.

SAGAL: Video games.

ZAMKOFF: Yeah.

MO ROCCA: I loved "Ms. Pac-Man."

ZAMKOFF: (Laughter).

ROCCA: It's a great game. It was actually much better than the original "Pac-Man."

SAGAL: Well, Jonathan, welcome to the show. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly in two of the limericks, you'll be a winner. Ready to play?

ZAMKOFF: Let's do it.

SAGAL: All right, here is your first limerick.

BILL KURTIS: Filled with water from hydrants or pumpster (ph), it invites us to dive with a jumpster (ph). Yeah, having a pool would be pretty cool. We'll make do with this garbage-free...

ZAMKOFF: Dumpster.

SAGAL: Dumpster. That's right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Philadelphia officials had to release an official statement this week barring people from swimming in dumpsters because somebody did it. It happened at a block party that had a dumpster pool, which one partyer said was, quote, "the best idea ever" while another said, does anybody else have this weird full body rash?

ROCCA: Well, I thought - hold on. I thought that's what they meant by dumpster diving.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: No, no. This is a whole new variant on the sport. It is disgusting to swim around in the trash with your friends, but it's nice that humans finally get the chance to get tangled up in six-pack rings. And how fun when your pool noodles are actually somebody else's old noodles.

FAITH SALIE: Ew. Are we talking like a regular-sized dumpster?

SAGAL: A regular-sized dumpster that was intentionally filled with water so that a person and his friends could jump into it and splash about it.

SALIE: In a pandemic.

SAGAL: During a pandemic.

HARI KONDABOLU: Does the diarrhea rule still apply?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: At that point, cares? Seriously, you're going to make it worse? All right, very good. Here is your next limerick.

KURTIS: Our opera just doubled its chance for artistic botanical grants. Our green, leafy crowd rarely rustles out loud. We perform for a hall full of...

ZAMKOFF: Plants.

SAGAL: There you go. Yes, plants.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: The Barcelona Opera House reopened with its first show since lockdown playing to an audience filled with plants. It was really an amazing image. Each of the beautiful red velvet leather chairs had a single potted plant. The house was packed with them. And you should've seen the line for the drinking fountain at intermission.

ROCCA: Well, don't you remember in the '70s when we were all told to talk to our plants?

SAGAL: It's true. And play music for them. That was another thing we heard, that music helps plants.

SALIE: It really is an astonishing picture. It was 2,292 plants. And you know the oldest ones still unwrapped their candy.

SAGAL: Yes.

ROCCA: Well, you know...

SAGAL: Crinkly bags of fertilizer.

ROCCA: You know that the Venus flytrap was just chomping on those Jordan almonds.

SAGAL: (Laughter).

ROCCA: I want to see Patti LuPone throw a cell phone at a geranium.

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: Wait. Wait. She's singing "Everything's Coming Up Roses," right?

ROCCA: Exactly. Exactly. The tulips are going yeah, yeah, whatever.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, Jonathan, here is your last limerick.

SAGAL: Since her kisses have not been controlled more, my lawyer will settle this old score. Her lips I still rue. So now I will sue because I'll always be stuck with this...

ZAMKOFF: Cold sore.

KURTIS: Yes.

SAGAL: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Very good. That was a tough one. A British man is suing a woman he went on a single date with for over $150,000 because he says she gave him a cold sore. The date was going well until, to his horror, quote, "I was kissed." He has now sued the woman for negligence, claiming she, quote, "had a moral and ethical and legal duty to warn me of the risks I would be exposed to." The man says that his herpes simplex has caused emotional distress and prevents him from going cycling, which we did not realize was done with one's lips.

KONDABOLU: I feel kind of bad for him just because it's England. So if they open their mouth, it's just horrific.

SAGAL: Oh, it's terrible, yeah.

KONDABOLU: And you close your mouth, you've got this cold sore. It's a lose, lose.

SAGAL: This is crazy, but we should not give up on the idea of suing people for bad dates, right? I'm suing for $800,000 in damages relating to how much you talked about your mom.

ROCCA: Well, it sounds like this guy has got a complex about his simplex.

SALIE: (Laughter).

ZAMKOFF: Bill, how did Jonathan do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Jonathan's been practicing on those video games because he got a perfect score.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE SOUND EFFECT)

SAGAL: Congratulations, Jonathan.

ZAMKOFF: Oh, thank you. My mom is going to be super proud of me.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That's why we all do this. Thank you so much, Jonathan. Stay safe.

ZAMKOFF: Thank you very much. Bye-Bye. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.