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Limericks

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Coming up, it's Lightning Fill In The Blank. But first, it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Or click the Contact Us link on our website waitwait.npr.org. And if you want more WAIT WAIT in your week, well, you can find us on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram. On Instagram, we're @waitwaitnpr. And check out the WAIT WAIT quiz for your smart speaker. It's out every Wednesday with me and Bill asking you questions. It's just like this radio show, only needier.

Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

ALICE CARLI: Oh, hi. I am Alice Carli, and I am calling from Rochester, N.Y.

SAGAL: Beautiful Rochester, where we have been with the show, though not for a few years. What do you do there?

CARLI: I am the conservator at Sibley Music Library at the Eastman School of Music.

SAGAL: Oh, so you physically conserve the scores, the actual paper?

CARLI: Yup.

SAGAL: And has this - has music not moved to, like, iPads and such like everything else has? People aren't putting iPads in their piano stands and flicking the pages that way?

CARLI: Well, yeah, I think, basically, there's nothing like having a score that you know isn't going to suddenly wink out because the battery failed or something.

SAGAL: No, it's much better to have a score that you can - that might at any time just float softly and gently to the floor.

CARLI: (Laughter) Yes, I've seen that, too.

SAGAL: Well, welcome to the show, Alice. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly in two of the limericks, you'll be a winner. Here is your first limerick.

BILL KURTIS: The TV soap I'm on just began again, but with COVID, close contact lets panic in. Our solution is punny with kiss me, you dummy. On set, I make out with a...

CARLI: Oh, Lord. A mannequin.

KURTIS: Yes.

SAGAL: A mannequin. Very good.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

CARLI: (Laughter).

SAGAL: The soap opera "The Bold And The Beautiful" has resumed filming. And in order to keep everybody safe and healthy, actors are making out with mannequins.

CARLI: Oh, boy.

SAGAL: Love scenes are filmed from a distance or at angles to disguise the fact that one character is enamored and the other is inanimate. They're also helping the illusion by dubbing in dialogue for the mannequin like, oh, Wyatt, I love it when you pick up my arm and make me stroke your hair.

AMY DICKINSON: Wait a minute. So you have one actor on set, and this poor schlub has to make out with a mannequin?

SAGAL: Yeah. Presumably, the way they do it is they'll have two characters who are about to make out, and they're talking. And the director calls cut, and they take out one of the actors. And they put in the mannequin in - kind of like a stunt kisser. So for safety, Amy.

DICKINSON: You know, I've had worse dates, I have to say.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: If I'm not mistaken, I set you up on one once.

ALONZO BODDEN: I'm just thinking the day that the prop guy had to go out. I need 28 love mannequins. But, you know, they're not for me.

SAGAL: No.

BODDEN: They're not - I'm not - I would never (laughter).

SAGAL: I'm just - I'm getting them for a friend. He was too embarrassed. All right, Alice. Here is your next limerick.

KURTIS: I feel trapped in a really bad dream, like my head's fit to burst at the seams. I will shout my frustrations to Nordic locations. In Iceland, they'll broadcast my...

CARLI: Screams.

SAGAL: Yes.

KURTIS: Yes.

SAGAL: Screams. Very good.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Iceland understands that you might be feeling a little tense right now. So they've set up a website where you can record yourself screaming. The scream will then be released out into the wild over a speaker set up in a beautiful and unpopulated area of Iceland before being then incorporated into Bjork's next album.

DICKINSON: (Laughter).

SAGAL: You'll receive a video of your pent-up frustration at never being able to leave your house being broadcast on a gorgeous black sand beach or at the beautiful Skogafoss Waterfall or my personal favorite, atop the breathtaking Snaefellsjokull Glacier. Seriously, if you've never seen the Snaefellsjokull Glacier, get yourself over to Snaefellsjokull as soon as you can. As explained by the Promote Iceland Tourism director, Sigridur Dogg Gudmundsdottir, quote, "I love the Snaefellsjokull Glacier." Almost made it.

CARLI: (Laughter).

SAGAL: All right. Here is your last limerick.

KURTIS: Our Burger King beef just got classy. Our cow's diet is quite lemongrassy. They don't gulp and slurp, so they won't fart or burp. Our cows are now one-third less...

CARLI: Gassy.

SAGAL: Yes. Very good, Alice.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Hoping to do their part to help combat climate change - remember that? - Burger King announced a new Whopper made from cows who burp and fart less, meaning they emit less methane. That's a gas that contributes to global warming and global smelling. They achieve this feat by introducing lemongrass into the cows' diets and sending them to Miss Porter's Finishing School for Cows.

BODDEN: This has to be the worst intern job ever. Yes, you must measure the cow farts to prove they are farting less than the old cows did.

CARLI: Jeez.

SAGAL: It's great news for Burger King. It's great news for the environment. It's even better news for cows as it leads to a dramatic reduction of Grandpa's pull-my-hoof jokes at Christmas.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Alice do on our quiz?

KURTIS: She did very, very well, three down. Congratulations, Alice.

SAGAL: Congratulations, Alice.

CARLI: Thank you.

SAGAL: And thanks for conserving all that music. Thanks. We'll see you the next time we come through Rochester.

CARLI: All right.

SAGAL: Take care. And thanks a lot, Alice.

CARLI: Yup, thanks. Bye-bye.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "MILKSHAKE")

KELIS: (Singing) My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. And they're like, it's better than yours. Damn right. It's better than yours. I could teach you, but I have to charge. My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.