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Limericks

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Coming up, it's Lightning Fill In The Blank, but first it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Or click the Contact Us link on our website, waitwait.npr.org. If you want more Wait Wait in your week, well, then check out the Wait Wait quiz for your smart speaker. It's out every Wednesday, and it's your chance to join the other 14% of men who have already fallen in love with their Alexa and with Bill and me.

Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

JENN BLISS: Hello.

SAGAL: Hi. Who's this?

BLISS: This is Jenn Bliss. I live in Litchfield, Maine, but I'm in Jamaica Plain right now.

SAGAL: What do you do up in Litchfield when you're home in Litchfield?

BLISS: I mostly create community festivals. And this year, we're trying to plan a live streaming event where the locals can come and participate even though they can't actually be there themselves.

SAGAL: It's hard to eat enormous turkey legs over a Zoom meeting.

BLISS: (Laughter) I'm hoping that they bring their own.

SAGAL: Well, welcome to the show, Jenn. Now Bill Kurtis, of course, is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly in two of the limericks, you'll a winner. Are you ready to play?

BLISS: I'm ready.

SAGAL: OK, here is your first limerick.

BILL KURTIS: The waters I hunt in are dark, but from lava I get a nice spark. That's why I won't say no to one hot volcano. It's home to this hammerhead...

BLISS: Shark.

SAGAL: Shark, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: A new National Geographic special focuses on an amazing discovery, volcano sharks. They sound amazing, like vicious killers that breathe fire and swim in molten lava. And they're sort of like that? Scientists sent robotic cameras to examine an active underwater volcano in the Pacific Ocean and were amazed to find giant sharks swimming through the acidic, lava-filled water, which means I'm afraid to say it's no longer safe to go swimming in an active volcano.

JESSI KLEIN: I can't handle another thing.

KLEIN: (Laughter).

DULCE SLOAN: But, like, the volcano shark makes me think that it can only be - can it go to, like, other places? Or does it have to live in the hot waters?

SAGAL: My guess is that if it has habituated itself to that environment, if it were to leave, it would be in trouble. That's a guess. I don't know.

SLOAN: Oh, I ain't worried.

SAGAL: They're not coming to Astoria (ph). It's too nice there. See.

SLOAN: I'm land-locked, baby. You can't get me, volcano shark.

PETER GROSZ: Although it would be a great Pixar movie to say, like, he was a volcano shark. He just wanted to live in the regular water.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, very good. Here is your next limerick, Jenn.

KURTIS: As a doctor, my hands I still scour because water and soap have some power. But as each day goes by, my body stays dry. I've given up taking a...

BLISS: Shower.

SAGAL: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Backing up years of research from the nation's stinky teenage sons, a doctor in New York says showering is bad. Dr. James Hamblin hasn't showered with soap in five years. That's the kind of background info you want in a guy about to do your annual exam. He stopped using body products altogether and claims that thusly, he was able to recreate the natural biome of his skin surface. Finally answering the question, skin care? No, skin don't care.

KLEIN: Does Dr. James Hamblin also sleep on a futon?

SAGAL: You'd think he did, right?

KLEIN: Or a lofted bed. This is all painting a picture to me.

GROSZ: Is he a world hacky sack champion?

SLOAN: Does he have dreads?

SAGAL: Is he a white man with dreadlocks?

SLOAN: Yeah.

KLEIN: Yes, white dreads. I was feeling a white dread situation.

SLOAN: We all thought the same. Would you trust a white dread doctor (laughter)?

KLEIN: White dread doctor.

SAGAL: Dr. Hamblin has written a book about the science of going au naturel, which was necessary because only the doctor and author combo could even out the never showers part of your profile on Tinder.

KLEIN: If I'm on a date with a guy, and he starts explaining how he's recreated the biome, I literally...

GROSZ: (Laughter).

KLEIN: I'm in an Uber before - in between the words recreated and biome, I'm out.

SLOAN: I mean, even if took just baking soda. Like all right, fine. But he ain't using no soap. That means he don't use toothpaste. He don't use shampoo.

KLEIN: Yeah, he's using...

SAGAL: He certainly doesn't use shampoo.

KLEIN: I'm smelling at Tom's of Maine nightmare.

SAGAL: Type of guy.

SLOAN: He's using that crystal. You know he's using that crystal.

SAGAL: (Laughter) I was just thinking that. That would be the iconic thing, that crystal deodorant.

SLOAN: That crystal never works. That crystal never works.

SAGAL: But he's not using any deodorant, apparently.

GROSZ: Not even crystal meth.

SLOAN: No.

GROSZ: I haven't showered in six years. I haven't slept in six...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Jenn, you're doing really great. Here is your last limerick.

KURTIS: Paparazzi face new thankless tasks. Who's under there? - editors ask. One half of a face is just too hard to place. We all suffer 'cause stars now wear...

BLISS: Masks.

SAGAL: Right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Right now, celebrities are just like us. They're stuck at home. They're super boring. And they're wearing masks when they go out. That means tough times for the paparazzi, who have a hard time selling candid photos of - is that Jonah Hill or Matt Damon? If the paparazzi want to get back out there, they should consider rebranding a bit. Sure, charlize Theron in a mask going to the grocery store doesn't interest the Daily Mail, but Charlize Theron in face thong on her way to feed - that's some buzz.

GROSZ: I saw - I was reading a story about how, like, banks are kind of freaked out, too, because everybody's wearing a mask.

SAGAL: Everybody's walking in wearing a mask.

GROSZ: The paparazzi - they should just take pictures of anybody and be like, yeah, I don't know it's Gwyneth Paltrow - whatever.

SAGAL: Just trust me, Gwyneth Paltrow.

Bill, how did Jenn do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Superb. She got three straight. Good going, Jenn.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE SOUND EFFECT)

SAGAL: Congratulations. Thank you so much for playing.

BLISS: Thank you.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "PAPARAZZI")

LADY GAGA: (Singing) I'm your biggest fan. I'll follow you until you love me. Papa - paparazzi. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.